Can't decide the title of this post.
Like many other things in my life.
Okay, okay, okay, I admit that October was emotionally heavy, and I may or may not have blown things out of proportion. I usually realize this after the intensity of my emotions wears off, and I am reeling in the aftermath. (For those who are new here read my last month’s post to get a brief on my meltdown: Seize & Survive the day and Goodbye, October).
Although, this time around the seriousness of all my unconscious patterns and behaviors hit home. It was like watching a movie based on my life playing right before my eyes, and I could see how my emotional history affects my relationship not just with myself but with every single person that I have in my life.
And I kept thinking this is not how I wish to continue living my life.
Many of these habits are generational which I picked up while growing up, but I did not realize how deeply these were ingrained. I needed to address them, but I am an expert in brushing everything under the rug, pretending it is not there, and keeping things okay on the surface level. That’s my modus operandi. But, you have to pay the price for living in denial and defensiveness.
What is better (or worse) than a ruthless emotional rollercoaster ride to shake up things inside you, bring out stuff that needs to be addressed, and released? Think of it as a volcanic eruption. Things bubbling inside of you for years, and then suddenly one day it erupts with a loud boom and the lava pours out.
And, it is not like I am being completely immature about it, you know? I am trying to unlearn those habits because I refuse to carry those burdens anymore. They are not even mine in the first place.
For the past few months (or maybe it is years?), I have kept telling myself to let go without actually knowing what to let go of. It was kind of frustrating and irritating.
So, I asked myself, "what are some of the things you should let go of to manage your reactions to emotions?"
This is the answer that I came up with.
I’m learning to let go:
My need to save people. Why? Because they did not ask to be saved. They have their life journey and destiny to fulfill. Who am I to interfere with that? No matter how much I like the character of Wonder Woman, I have accepted that I am not (and don’t want to be) a Wonder Woman. I will leave that role to Gal Gadot.
My need to change people’s perception of me, of themselves, and of the world around them. It is not worth it. Ultimately, people will see what they want to and how they want to. And, that’s okay.
My need to change them into something they’re not. The harsh truth is that the only person you can change is yourself.
My need to put them on a pedestal and compare them to the ideals that I have created in my mind. This!!! Everyone (including me) deserves to be seen for who they are. It is unfair that we project our ideals onto other people.
My illusions and need to control the direction of life.
The next question was, "what about embracing new things while learning to let go of old habits?"
This is what I came up with.
I’m learning to embrace:
Momentary chaos and lack of direction. It’s been more than a year now, but who’s counting? But then, some years break you, and some years make you.
Feeling lost, yet having faith in my journey.
Being okay with my down moments, anxiousness, and, restlessness. I have accepted that these feelings are here to stay, so I might as well make them my friends.
Being misunderstood and being okay with not everyone knowing my side of the story. I will let my journey and my growth speak for themselves.
Staying optimistic and open to possibilities even if I can’t see them right now. Being disappointed again and again yet remaining hopeful is the ultimate life lesson, right?
An additional note:
You don't have to let go of everything. Some of the precious moments and experiences are worth holding onto because they provide you with perspective on life. They give you the necessary boost and motivation to continue forward on this journey. They give you the hope that tomorrow (someday) will be a better day. They tell you that you will be okay regardless of how hopeless you might feel today. Keep those experiences close to your heart and hold onto them. Smile at the thought of them when your mind is heavy and turbulent and fails to see the beauty of everyday existence.
Quote of the day:
Much of my confusion and sadness came from being disconnected from myself. The greatest journey I have taken so far is the one where I ended the alienation between me and all that I am, the one where I connected my light and my darkness, where I united what I wanted to know with what I did not want to face. Only through this union and truthfulness did I begin to feel at home within my being.
— Yung Pueblo
That’s it for today.
Talk soon.
Priya.